Day 4

Well, my appetite has gone way down due to getting my period.  I thought today would be eventful but everything on my list fell through.  No wal-mart, no guitar lesson and no babysitting.  I think that's ok though because I was not feeling well.  I remembered why I started taking birth control.  However, I remember when I was running regularly with soccer in high school and in college that they were not that rough.   I do believe that exercising regularly helps decrease pain during that time of the month.  I will force myself to do yoga tomorrow.
This morning for breakfast I had oat meal with cinnamon, blueberries, strawberries and walnuts.  I am not a huge walnut fan but I am trying to be open minded.  It wasn't bad and I felt full.  I had 1 cup of Almond milk which is so good to me.  It does have sugar in it- not sure if that is ok, but I don't drink a lot of it.  I wasn't hungry again until about 4 (I ate at 11:30 because I didn't have an appetite).  For dinner we had burgers with no bun, a little swiss cheese, a tomato slice (pinch of salt) and an avocado sliced (lightly salted).  My mom also made sauteed zucchini circles that were yum.  She said she did to them what she normally does with potatoes and made them extra crispy.  Delish.  I had a little bit of a granny smith with organic peanut butter as a snack.  I eat everything that is on my plate which is something that I rarely did when I would eat carbs.  My parent are doing this as well (at least when they are home).  They had mexican food for lunch so I'm sure they ate carbs, sugar etc.
I am really sick of this 'disease'.  I can tell its still present because my period isn't quite normal.  I keep wondering when my life will get back on track again.  I have cut out caffeine, alcohol, other stimulants, negative influences, going to therapy... I want to do more- to be motivated to explore and try new things.  I feel so handicapped because of this.  It's distracting, irritating, painful, nauseating, and impacting my life negatively.  I hope every day that things will get better but after 6 months, I am tired of keeping my hopes up.  What if I'm unable to have children someday because of this?  I know that may seem like an over reaction to a lot of people because I'm not even married yet, but I can't help but wonder.
Tomorrow I have therapy.  I haven't been for a week because of the snow 'storm'.  Last time I was there I was in tears because it had gotten so bad and I had no answers.  It surprising how much I talk about this in therapy.  I keep thinking it's in my head, that I'm creating this problem for myself somehow but there is physical evidence that keeps me from going nuts.
I really want a gooey bagel with cream cheese.  I thought I ate pretty well before this.  I think half of it was carbs and sugar.  I almost lost it yesterday.  I was headed to the pantry for a chocolate square but I kept thinking- this will hurt you if you eat it now.
On a positive note, meditating and reading the Bible has been helpful during cravings.  I have been thinking a lot about the potential children's minister position at church.  I've always like program development and wonder if I could work on some stuff and give it to Gary to review- even if I don't apply or get the position, it might help for them to have some ideas.  I like the music ministry but I want to do more- especially if its a paid position.
Tomorrow I have therapy like I said and it's right next to a whole foods.  I'm going to stop in there and see what else is out there to eat!
Until tomorrow...